The last day in our apartment.

Truth be told, I could not wait to leave. Even though we spent the last month and a half living there just the three of us, the negativity and evil oozing from those walls was stronger than any smudging I could do. We closed an emotionally abusive, exhausting chapter of our lives that day. I can only hope the tenants that live there now have a better fate. 

My cat Moo is the focus of a lot of my photography from this month, and in general. He is my first furry pet, one of the first things I think about in the morning and one of the last before I go to sleep. He was a shelter kitten, but hadn't seen much life before he chose us. 

I took this shot while sitting on the toilet, right before we started moving more of our things to my car. Moo has a habit of wanting to be around me while I pee, for some reason or another. He stood on the window sill next to me, staring out the open window, not moving. He was ready to go, so I had to be, too. 

There's nothing conventional about our cat. 

He was the runt of the litter, a teeny 3 1/2 pounds. The vet said to not expect him to get very big, so he took that as a challenge to stretch at every opportune moment to prove her wrong. 

This stretch occurred in the bathroom of our sublet, naturally while I'm peeing. He was kind enough to lay there for well over a minute, enough time for me to take this photo. 

Much of this month, I felt everything in stereo. My loyal, devout fiancé fielded every single emotion with a grace I could not muster. His patience was the most romantic thing he could give me at a time where I clung to calm. But on the extra bad days, he tried harder. 

This made me smile when I didn't think I could. Featuring kitten butt, because wherever I am, he's not far behind. 

This was taken at The National Animal Rights Day event. I went with my boss and was probably the only non-vegan there. It was intimidating to say the least...but I take my coffee with almond milk anyway, so I managed to fit in with the crowd. 

The Happy Cappuccino.

Looking back on this photo, I realize I took this place for granted. This was the morning of our new storefront, about a year and a half after we opened, and I was probably exhausted when I took this photo. I was probably itching to go home, feet swollen and achy even at 8 in the morning. Hoping for customers to be kind and compassionate, even if I didn't deserve it.

There's very little I wouldn't do to go back. 

I have this entire day blocked from memory, except for taking this picture. I couldn't tell you what I did at work, where I drove or who I spoke to. I can tell you this: I went grocery shopping for work at some point, and I saw these peppers. I felt like I was in the beginning of the movie Pleasantville up until this moment. They were the brightest thing I had seen all day, and reminded me I had to keep shooting, no matter how hard things got. 

Sometimes I look at this cat, in all of his wisdom and weirdness, and wonder how rough things would be without him. 

I slept in on Wednesdays, and sometimes, when he knew I needed it most, he would come in and lounge with me. 

Moo is no one's therapy cat, and he for sure is not the smartest, but he's all knowing. And he knew a lot about what I needed when I took this. 

Ever since I found out I have a thing with gluten (a miserable, painful, not sexy thing), I've tried to get back into the swing of enjoying drinks without wheat in them. Any bar that is willing to offer me something that isn't Angry Orchard is a bar I'm down to go to. It was a nice treat after a rough week, taken just a little before golden hour. 

I'm rarely in the passenger seat. My fiancé doesn't drive and I've always worked a job contingent on me having a car. It is a small delight to not have to be in control over at least one thing in the present moment. 

This shot took itself, from the passenger side of my best friend's ride. 

I can't tell you what brought me to take a photo of a Xanax perched on my engagement ring while parked outside of my apartment. But at this point, only 9 days into the month, I felt as committed to marriage as I was to all half a milligram of this pill, virtually nothing in the grand scheme of things. Nine days in, and all I craved was to turn my phone off, roll into bed and lay down in the darkness until I succumbed to sleep. 

I am hard pressed to find a scent I love more than lavender, and upon discovering a lavender farm 50 minutes from where we lived, I had to go. 

With my luck and classic impatience, the lavender was about two weeks away from being perfect to pick. But after driving as long as we did, the owners of the farm were nice enough to show us what the best flowers looked like, so I was able to (painstakingly) get a bunch anyway. 

It's suggested to dry the lavender hanging upside down, and with a kitten who cares very little about our things, this spot was the best. 

Another sleepless night. I didn't have a job yet for when we moved home and every day closer to July 1st drove me insane. 

Something outside caught Moo's attention and this shadow made me chuckle. Nothing is wrong in his little world, and that realization was enough to send me to sleep not long after. 

Let me tell you something about this guy. Out of all the photos I took this month, he's one of the only (human) faces that makes the final cut (mine being the other). He is truthfully, no exaggeration, one of a kind. If giving him the world was physically feasible I would do it a hundred times over.

Full disclosure, I took this picture about a month before while out drinking. I love shooting him best when it's candid, and this shot tickled my drunk heart at the time. 

I forgot about this photo until I went searching to post something nice for him for this day, his birthday. I feel like even if this picture was worth one thousand words, I'd need about 990,000 more to describe the person he is. 

When I can't go to my own coffee shop (read: when I'm off and want to be no where near my job) I have a few other spots I like to frequent. I've been there enough times that some of the baristas recognize me, and I thought I was pretty familiar with the décor. 

There's a giant mug in their retail section that I've always joked (to myself) as the only appropriate size latte to drink. It wasn't until today that I noticed that my name was on the side the entire time. A perk of spelling my name (correctly) is seeing it out in my world. 

I'm not one of those people that needs coffee, but it is fully engrained in my soul. I love going through the motions of creating a cup just for myself, watching the seeds be freshly ground and the milk frothed only slightly to the temperature I like it (100 Degrees F, just above body temperature). That's one of the main things I miss most from my job. Coffee just doesn't taste the same unless you make it yourself.  

For all of his loving qualities, Moo is not a lap cat. He will cuddle in bed and sit next to you on the couch, but he'll never just sit on my lap. Any rare occasion I can get him to rest on me always makes me feel loved. He made himself comfortable between J and I after we both had long days.

About a minute after I took this, he got up and walked away. Fleeting, loving moments. 

Troy is such a nice city. I don't think I spent enough time there while I lived in Albany, but on this Saturday I was able to be there during the farmer's market that takes place there every weekend. This day was the least stressed I had felt in a really, really long time. I become my best self when it's warm outside, and today was no exception. 

The best present J ever got me was this ukulele. I had never played one before until we met and he let me play his, and our first Valentine's Day he gifted me this beauty. J is really good at the both the guitar and the ukulele, so we try to jam every so often. The weather was just perfect, so we sat out on our porch and sang together. I think about this day often. 

A lot of these days, I tried my best to make the most of a meaningful photo. Truthfully, I was really into the coffee shop aesthetic vibe and just snapped this photo of almond milk and two spoons. I just really like coffee, okay? 

Most mornings, I try to have my life together. Find the operative word.

The night before I hadn't slept much, so I really had no chance. 

I didn't have enough time to unwrap my hair from the night before until I got into work. I can't even tell you why this made me laugh so hard (exhaustion, delirium, running through the mall with my hair wrapped up and clothes haphazardly thrown on), but when I was done laughing I took this photo and got to work. 

TW Medical Procedure

Full disclosure: I was under a few Xanax when I took this picture, about 5 minutes before the doctor came in to start the procedure. I don't regret it. 

Just over a year ago, I got an IUD placed and it was quite honestly the worst pain I've ever felt. I don't want to scare anyone away from getting one, but it was rough for me, personally. After some drastic changes in my health, I decided to change the type of IUD I had, which meant I had to go through the whole process again. 

The first time I was completely alone and had to hold the hand of a nurse as I swore in every language I knew. This time I was nicely sedated, J was in the waiting room (even though the only reason I wanted him there was so he could be with me), and I had a ride waiting in the parking lot. 

It still hurt. At least this time I was afforded the luxury of novocaine. 

The female body endures so much. If you know someone who's dealt with this pain, just buy them a coffee or a donut. They deserve it. Trust me. 

There's an ice cream shop called Guptill's, about a half an hour from where we used to live. Anyone from the area can probably hear the radio commercial in their ears now, that classic timbre of the announcer listing off all the new flavors added to the rolodex. 

I unfortunately found this place way too late in my Albany journey, and this photo was from the last time I went there. Usually, we sit in someone's car to eat because it's always too busy. It was poetic that the last time we went, there was an open table, covered by this umbrella. 

I never used to be really big into makeup, and to some small degree I'm still not. Most every day I leave the house clean faced, not having the energy to do anything. I only get really done up if I'm going out or if it's Shabbos.

There's something about getting done up that just gently pushes my anxiety and sadness to the side. I love this photo so much, mess and all. A good representation of me. 

Beauty in the struggle, or something like that. 

I have really, really great friends. 

I hate how it takes leaving to make you realize how loved you are. I wish I could steal back that feeling of being unwanted from depression. 

Having friends buy me a cake and take me to dinner to say goodbye is something I'll never, ever forget. 

TW Alcohol

What a day this was. We went out to have brunch with a very near and dear friend, and she took us on an adventure. 

After a handful of drinks supported by a fantastic meal, we walked, and walked and walked. I don't even remember if we had a destination in mind, but it was so nice to just mosey. 

Somehow we ended up at this little hole in the wall bar just because, and it was bittersweet. It was the first and last time I went, and another reminder that I missed out on a lot while working my days away. 

I don't take risks when it comes to my natural hair. I haven't cut it outside of the lightest trim in easily a decade, and I've never done anything permanent to it. 

It took me all 5 years of living in Albany to finally find a salon that could really do my hair well. My stylist had only had my head in her hands once and I trusted her overnight. THAT good. 

So when I walked in, for the second time ever, and told her "Anything but a cut," and walked out with gentle highlights, I knew she was the truth. I don't have a lot of self confidence, but this is one of my favorite photos of myself. 

I do a lot of thinking in my car. If those doors could talk, they'd probably be really irritated that I insist on sobbing and driving, and would most certainly expose me for trying to conquer that key change during Love On Top. 

It rained all day here, and I wasn't prepared to go into the house just yet as a last ditch effort to save the hair that was still salon fresh. I wasn't paying attention to the clouds parting, so looking up to see the sun peak in made me feel really good. 

Today wasn't the best day. I'm not the greatest when it comes time to start moving. I get stressed about physically stretching myself thin trying to move everything and keeping things organized.

Right before I took this photo, J did what he does every year we have to move; gave me the solid "What you can't do, I'll do for you," speech.

I inevitably end up being stressed anyway, but his commitment to loving me through my struggles is just so admirable. I stopped mid edit just to snap this.  

Our last night out. 

We went to our favorite bar, the place we had our engagement party, for a final hurrah. We took the bus there, and I snapped this in the orange light of the lampposts behind us. Every time I look at the "ONE DAY" on the bus pass, I get a lump in my throat. 

I mentioned earlier that I never really know how cared for I am until it's the very end. And to see how many people came out to drink and laugh and love with us...my heart swells. We got to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about us on our last night. I wouldn't have changed a thing, and the graduation goggles were incredibly strong on our way home that night. 

Somehow, we made it. 

It was a ridiculously long 30 days. Even this morning, between loading up the car, leaving things behind and drugging the cat (spoiler alert, didn't work), I didn't think we'd make it to Long Island. I was exhausted and it was barely noon. We were both irritated and Moo was stressed and howling at being in his crate, in a moving car. 

While stuck in traffic, waiting to go through the toll to leave Albany for good, I took a second to snap this photo. My little overwhelmed, tired, loving family. We closed the book on Albany, the place where we fell in love and adopted our cat and started a new series. 

Released.